Don't Take Facebook Personally...Really

 Facebook has become the yardstick of how people compare themselves. There was a parenting blog that was asking what people thought of posting photos of your kids with their pile of Christmas presents they were opening. Some voted obnoxious, others said who cares, and yet others found it insulting and upsetting to those who couldn't provide as much for their own children. Most of the responders were very upset with the braggery. Why do we always feel like someone's good fortune is our misfortune?
    I think you can compare anything someone posts on Facebook and make it personal to you.... but it's not. When you don't have a job, it seems like everyone is posting about their fantastic totally fulfilling and awesome career. When you don't have kids, everyone is posting poems about "how amazing it is to be the mother of a daughter" and the like. (I definitely felt sensitive to this before I had a baby.) When you can't afford the nicer things in life, you get slammed with people's photos of their "once in a lifetime cruise" or their "totally amazing trip to Atlantis". It's hard to keep perspective.
    But listen people, especially those in the parenting race, IT'S REALLY NOT ABOUT YOU. People are not posting as a personal affront to your lifestyle. As a new parent, I found myself really vulnerable and second-guessing myself. That is not a good moment to go on Facebook or any social media. There's a lot of bragging and a lot of "show me yours, 'cause mine is the BEST!" Christmas is the worst time to feel a little less than. When you look on social media, you are convinced that everyone has bought the most fabulous presents (with no regard to money or being in debt in January), is going on the most incredible holiday getaway to some warm island, that their children have the perfect outfits and are well behaved but the reality is this....no one likes to put the ordinary moments on FB. There are no poop blowouts, boogie noses, meltdowns in the Target checkout aisle, surly in-laws and siblings, travel disasters, epic arguments, and vacation failures in photographic form. People want to show their good side and I think we forget to keep it in mind. It's like staging a house, you're showing the good stuff, not the everyday nuttiness.
 It's time to take a step back and remember that social media is "social" and it's a way of just showing your far-away relatives what your kiddos look like. Or finding your long-lost grade school buddy. Maybe it's sharing a joke, funny or self-deprecating. Or connecting with people because you are a stay at home mom and it's cold outside and you just cannot bear to leave the house even though you are dying to talk to someone.  When you feel frumpy, you don't look at Vogue and wallow in it, right? The good thing about Facebook and other media is that you can always block people who make you feel bad. Or keep things private that only your besties can see. You can connect without letting in the things that get you down, because let's face it, for every braggart there's also a "Debbie Downer" whose posts make you want to throw back a pint of vodka and put your head under the covers after reading.
    And this time of year, even though many people are counting their blessings, there are also people who are having a tough time in either their personal or professional lives and feel like its magnified. Whatever side you are on, remember that social media can be manipulated to be whatever you want it to be. Use whatever you need to feel validated or to feel protected from it all. Don't ask for advice if you don't want it, don't open yourself up to criticism by asking for feedback you don't want to hear and don't "selfie" yourself if you are not feeling your best. Use your head not your heart. And remember to put it all into perspective. It's not personal, it's just Facebook....and you can always turn the computer off and just enjoy the silent night.

Mindfulness (or lack thereof), Christmas Rush and the Elf

Being mindful is not the easiest task when you are a mom, especially when you are new in the role. A lot of talk went on this summer over the Georgia father who left his child in the hot car to die. Numerous mommy blogs then kept popping up with moms confessing to accidentally leaving their child in the car, at the store, lost in the mall, and sharing their guilt. I personally don't feel that moms should be put on the spot about this and feel horrible that it became a news story that then morphed into a whole zeitgeist about lack of mindfulness in parents. This man hurt his child purposefully and moms and dads who have a momentary lapse due to exhaustion, lack of mindfulness and the general chaos of being a parent, shouldn't feel like they should be sharing their guilt and self-punishing, because the way he did it was by leaving his child in the car.

 I think its hard to be a mindful parent in a society that values multi-tasking. Its very hard to do anything with 100% focus and accuracy when the pressure to be doing many things at once is put on parents. When mothers say they are a "stay at home" mom, the question they usually get is, "how do you fill all that time?".... which of course leaves us SAHM scratching our heads. TIME? WHAT TIME? You mean in between getting household and "life" things done all day, helping out doing things for the hubby that he can't do because he's working, trying to figure out how to do the same things you used to do but without mom's income, and taking care of one or numerous little humans there should be some time left over. Really? REALLY? Such a premium is put on how much you can accomplish during the course of the day and social media means we can see how successful everyone else is at it compared to ourselves. And working moms don't have a minute to themselves and start their day at home after their work day, how can you do it all? You can't.

The holiday season is the prime time of year for burnout and lack of mindfulness for everyone, not just moms. The rushing around to get things "perfect" can make you crazy. But ever since motherhood became this all-consuming, all encompassing role of epic proportions, there seems to be no room for error. You have to NAIL IT or we get critical of ourselves. The perfect and clever family portrait on the ridiculously over-priced cards (Yes Tiny Prints, I am calling you out!), the Facebook photos of all the fabulous holiday activities like tree trimming, breakfast with Santa, caroling, and the whole checklist of things you should be doing can make you feel bad if you're not keeping up. This is the "keeping score" that wears on people and is not what this time of year is supposed to be all about. Eventually, all this pressure can start making people mean-spirited and jaded about the Christmas season. This makes me sad.

A lot of people out there are trying so hard to be snarky and clever to deflect this pressure. In the process, we are losing the real meaning of the season, which is to enjoy the family and friends around them and the fun you can have with all the Christmas traditions.

 In particular, people seem to be taking out their frustration on the Elf on the Shelf. This poor guy, he's just trying to give kids a little fun before the big day and to keep them behaving for mom and dad. But since the vignettes started popping up on social media of all the fun and exciting things that some crafty parents set up, the average parent who just moves him or her around the room now feel like they aren't trying hard enough. Now people want to strangle him. It's an ELF people. This is supposed to be FUN! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAKING THINGS FUN!?!? Even if you just phone it in and move the elf from the kitchen counter to the dining room table, the kids find it FUN and you will not be graded on how original your move is. Fun really is under appreciated. But to your kid, fun is everything.

 I think Christmas is a lot more fun when it's not perfect. The stories of the the tree toppling over, the photos of our little ones hysterically crying on Santa's lap, the newborn Pinterest fail portrait where the baby in the Christmas sleigh looks like a crime scene...that's the classic fun of Christmas. There's a whole book of Awkward Family Photos devoted to the holidays and there's a reason...it's funny and fun! I'm so happy to share the traditions of Christmas (which is what we celebrate, and I wish happy Chanukah and Kwanzaa to my friends who celebrate that and I will not genericize it with just the word "holiday") with my little boy. I want him to revel in the joy and wonder of the season and not stress and fret about everything being just so. I want this time of year to be about loving the people around us, celebrating that life is good, and also remembering to reach out to those that are having a tough time. There is enough time the rest of the year to search for perfection and to try to compare yourself.

I want to keep my Christmas purely fun from here on in. I did all my shopping online and am done with the commercial stuff. Even a sick kid can't derail things as I definitely just want to spend time with him, even if it's just rocking him in comfort. I want the next three weeks to be about enjoying each new festive thing my son does and remembering what it's like to be kid again. Our family is just going to do what works for us and not keep score of what everyone else is doing. I want to socialize, laugh, love, and be immersed in the spirit of things. The theme for my holiday this year is humor and finding the smiles that somehow have gotten lost in the shuffle. I'm going to be the nut job wearing the Santa hat, singing carols in the grocery store, and smiling like I am getting paid to do it. I am truly just going to enjoy things this year. I owe it to myself, my family.... and to the elf.

The Hybrid Mom

When I become a mom eleven months ago, I had no idea how many expectations people have of you being either "this kind of mom" or "that kind of mom".  My realization...it's very black and white in the mommy world.
  A lot of the expectations of what I thought I would do as a mother are completely different. I thought I'd be that green mom totally into cloth diapers. After having to watch several videos (really, really I need to watch a video to figure out how to do this??!?!), I decided I could use some of the more environmentally friendly diapers and leave the wet bags and poop dumps to the more adventurous moms. I never thought I would nurse my son past three months, but here I am still nursing at eleven. Thought I would make my own food and I do, but I also buy the pouches and the jars. I think when you say "I will only do this" you are setting yourself up. I try to be that hybrid mom. I nurse but I also give my son bottles of formula when needed. And guess what, the world doesn't go off its axis when I do.
 What I am finding surprising is all the "judginess" out there about the choices you make as a mom. I worked for 25 years and am now a stay at home mom or as all the moms groups give it the acronym SAHM. (and yes at first I had to look up what the hell SAHM was). I am always amazed at how many mothers look at you like, "you stay a home"?!!? What do you do all day?" You're kidding me right? I have had multiple women try to get me to do a home based business, because after all, as a SAHM I must be lonely, sad, bored, desperate to have a "secret shoe/dress/handbag fund" (that must be in the script because no matter what business someone has tried to get me to join, it's to help out my "secret shoe fund". Which, by the way, I don't have.) Not really sure why all these people care, where were you people when I was single and lived alone?!?! Would've saved me a lot of pints of ice cream and going out and spending money on cocktails in clubs if so many people were interested in my life!
 The breastfeeding vs. formula crowd is really contentious. I am just doing what I need to do and I really wish that everyone (and seriously, it's everyone) wouldn't try to debate me on this. Both sides seem to be adamant that they are right....how shocking it must be that I DO BOTH. Something MUST BE WRONG WITH ME! Studies have shown that when a child is five, he/she is not contemplating how his mother fed him and how it affects his/her everyday life.
 Not sure why there is this constant need to define. Why can't we just be a parent or a mom? You have to be "for" or "against" something...attachment parenting, baby wearing, organic feeding, sleep training, etc.
  I think we are all just doing the best we can. We can read all the blogs, magazine articles, forum posts and immerse ourselves in group classes we want, but ultimately you have to just be you and do what works in your life. Maybe because I am an older mom (pregnant at 43 with that "late in life baby" as they used to call it when I was born), but I reached the B---S--- saturation point a long time ago. I love being a mom to my BabyGuy and I just don't really care what other people think of me at this point. And believe me, a lot of people think being a mother of an almost one year old at 45 years old is nuts. Luckily I don't listen to the noise and drama. I really just focus on being the "hybrid mom" (since we need to define) and I pick and choose from the parenting buffet. I may share the things I am doing with you if you ask, but I certainly hope you won't try to push your agenda on me and I won't push mine on you. Life is full of people of varied personalities and I am so glad people have different points of view, so let's let them have theirs and not judge. Variety is the spice of life.

“Confidence... thrives on honesty, on honor, on the sacredness of obligations, on faithful protection and on unselfish performance. Without them it cannot live.”― Franklin D. Roosevelt

I'm A Mama

After being in the weird category of "just a stepmom" for many years,  I'm a mama now. I'm coming out of the fog of the first year and reflecting on what this means.

I'm a mama, I eat toddler tapas all day--bits of cheese, nuggets of either fish or chicken, random puffs and Cheerios as I try to get some housekeeping done while my son is napping. Haute on-the-go mom cuisine!

I'm a mama, I often have bits of the above toddler tapas stuck in my hair or on the bottom of my sock. Many times I have my shirt on inside out and the dry shampoo working it on my lid. I think I have underwear on but I am too tired to look right now.

I'm a mama, I have consumed 5 cups of coffee before 10am and can't understand why I have to hit the bathroom all the time.

I'm a mama, I have to read the same three books all the time---Goodnight Gorilla, Read To Your Bunny, and Bedtime for Maisy because that's what my son wants at home and that's what he inevitably will pull out of the book crate at the library story time. I have a really dramatic performance of Goodnight Gorilla to show you if you're interested as the book only has like 4 words of dialogue in it.

I'm a mama, I am pressured by every mommy blog, women's magazine and daytime talk show to be "killing it", "rocking it", "nailing it" and "owning it like a boss" as a stay at home mom. Remember how our moms just hung out and drank coffee, smoked cigarettes and shooed us out into the connecting backyards of all our neighbors and encouraged us to self-entertain unless we were bleeding from the head injured? What happened?!?! Why is is not enough to take care of your family's little human beings and make sure they don't become little a-holes? It's a lot of work to make a child feel loved, to have them learn empathy and creativity while also reading to them, feeding them, cleaning them, keeping them safe, and giving them intellectual stimulation. Where is this pressure coming from for stay at home moms who willingly left the workforce to do this particular thing we call "parenting" at a level so high that you can't ever rest? If you are staying home to raise children and not simultaneously trying to save the world, running for title of room parent of the year, executing 2-3 home-based businesses and harassing other women to join your "business team", attending every mommy and me children's class possible, and extreme couponing, then you're doing something wrong. It's not enough to be a mother, you have to be a SUPER OVERACHIEVING MOTHER!

I'm a mama, it's the holiday season and I should be ordering my Tiny Prints $800 Christmas card purchase, creating Pinterest-worthy holiday treats, signature cocktails, buying over-priced highly stimulating toys, and throwing some fabulous party....but I am probably just going to be running to Wegman's to pass off their tapas tray as my own to bring to someone else's event.

I'm a mama, I am speed-dating other mothers on playdates to see who I can hang out with that is the most like myself, wondering how I got into this 21st century mothering endurance contest. You can by-pass this by joining a cool mother's group like I did, but you have to wade through a few other mother's groups first to find the "cool" one. (Momtourage, you know you're the cool one.)

I'm a mama, I am getting no sleep, losing my to-do list that I am pretty sure but not positive I made, and trying not to be highly emotional every time I drink red wine. And hoping my husband doesn't think I am insane for trying to coordinate a first birthday party, baby photo shoot, and trying to fit in the wife stuff with the mama stuff. God bless him. He is after all the dada, also known as the vice-president to the mama.

I'm a mama, and I am loving every minute of the "good stuff" that makes all the rest of this insanity worthwhile....the tiny little socks in the wash, the middle of the night cuddles, the soft "hi Mama" I get every morning when my little boy wakes up and sees me, the 1200+ IPhone photos of my BabyGuy, seeing my husband's face on this little baby,  the numerous Facebook posts on his every day antics that get "Likes" thus making me feel like I just won the Academy Award of Facebook Mother's Posts.

I'm a mama, I'm a mama, I'm a mama.  It came late in my life and was a big surprise and miracle. And I can't get imagine not being one.

One of my close friends gave me a beautiful print that I have in my little one's nursery that I look at every night when I put him to sleep. It sums up my feelings on getting though this first year:

"There are lives I can imagine without children

 but none of them have the same laughter and noise."

It's good to be a mama.  And I'm a mama.

Joining the Motherhood Club

So here I am, a new member of the "Motherhood Club" (said in a Vincent Price-type voice).
I want to create a blog where I talk about things going on in the world from a mom's point of view, not just about the typical "mothering" subjects.

 I feel like now that I am seven months a member of this club, I can now start talking. And quite frankly, I was way too busy trying to figure things out to have time to write a blog until now.

I hope you will join me on this journey that so far has been full of laughs, failures, excitement and sheer exhaustion paired with sheer exhilaration at my new full time job of raising a decent human being who cares about the world. I will try to squeeze in a shower and create a meal so my family doesn't starve while I take some time to write.

The things I am most excited about right now are playing defense against mean mommies, keeping the pureed pear spit up on my clothes to a minimum and talking about the causes I care about like volunteerism, greening the world around me, and taking the time to enjoy each moment in life while surrounding myself with the best, most positive people I can wrangle into my circle of life.

Look out everyone, the Sassy Funny Mama is here!