Don't Take Facebook Personally...Really

 Facebook has become the yardstick of how people compare themselves. There was a parenting blog that was asking what people thought of posting photos of your kids with their pile of Christmas presents they were opening. Some voted obnoxious, others said who cares, and yet others found it insulting and upsetting to those who couldn't provide as much for their own children. Most of the responders were very upset with the braggery. Why do we always feel like someone's good fortune is our misfortune?
    I think you can compare anything someone posts on Facebook and make it personal to you.... but it's not. When you don't have a job, it seems like everyone is posting about their fantastic totally fulfilling and awesome career. When you don't have kids, everyone is posting poems about "how amazing it is to be the mother of a daughter" and the like. (I definitely felt sensitive to this before I had a baby.) When you can't afford the nicer things in life, you get slammed with people's photos of their "once in a lifetime cruise" or their "totally amazing trip to Atlantis". It's hard to keep perspective.
    But listen people, especially those in the parenting race, IT'S REALLY NOT ABOUT YOU. People are not posting as a personal affront to your lifestyle. As a new parent, I found myself really vulnerable and second-guessing myself. That is not a good moment to go on Facebook or any social media. There's a lot of bragging and a lot of "show me yours, 'cause mine is the BEST!" Christmas is the worst time to feel a little less than. When you look on social media, you are convinced that everyone has bought the most fabulous presents (with no regard to money or being in debt in January), is going on the most incredible holiday getaway to some warm island, that their children have the perfect outfits and are well behaved but the reality is this....no one likes to put the ordinary moments on FB. There are no poop blowouts, boogie noses, meltdowns in the Target checkout aisle, surly in-laws and siblings, travel disasters, epic arguments, and vacation failures in photographic form. People want to show their good side and I think we forget to keep it in mind. It's like staging a house, you're showing the good stuff, not the everyday nuttiness.
 It's time to take a step back and remember that social media is "social" and it's a way of just showing your far-away relatives what your kiddos look like. Or finding your long-lost grade school buddy. Maybe it's sharing a joke, funny or self-deprecating. Or connecting with people because you are a stay at home mom and it's cold outside and you just cannot bear to leave the house even though you are dying to talk to someone.  When you feel frumpy, you don't look at Vogue and wallow in it, right? The good thing about Facebook and other media is that you can always block people who make you feel bad. Or keep things private that only your besties can see. You can connect without letting in the things that get you down, because let's face it, for every braggart there's also a "Debbie Downer" whose posts make you want to throw back a pint of vodka and put your head under the covers after reading.
    And this time of year, even though many people are counting their blessings, there are also people who are having a tough time in either their personal or professional lives and feel like its magnified. Whatever side you are on, remember that social media can be manipulated to be whatever you want it to be. Use whatever you need to feel validated or to feel protected from it all. Don't ask for advice if you don't want it, don't open yourself up to criticism by asking for feedback you don't want to hear and don't "selfie" yourself if you are not feeling your best. Use your head not your heart. And remember to put it all into perspective. It's not personal, it's just Facebook....and you can always turn the computer off and just enjoy the silent night.

Mindfulness (or lack thereof), Christmas Rush and the Elf

Being mindful is not the easiest task when you are a mom, especially when you are new in the role. A lot of talk went on this summer over the Georgia father who left his child in the hot car to die. Numerous mommy blogs then kept popping up with moms confessing to accidentally leaving their child in the car, at the store, lost in the mall, and sharing their guilt. I personally don't feel that moms should be put on the spot about this and feel horrible that it became a news story that then morphed into a whole zeitgeist about lack of mindfulness in parents. This man hurt his child purposefully and moms and dads who have a momentary lapse due to exhaustion, lack of mindfulness and the general chaos of being a parent, shouldn't feel like they should be sharing their guilt and self-punishing, because the way he did it was by leaving his child in the car.

 I think its hard to be a mindful parent in a society that values multi-tasking. Its very hard to do anything with 100% focus and accuracy when the pressure to be doing many things at once is put on parents. When mothers say they are a "stay at home" mom, the question they usually get is, "how do you fill all that time?".... which of course leaves us SAHM scratching our heads. TIME? WHAT TIME? You mean in between getting household and "life" things done all day, helping out doing things for the hubby that he can't do because he's working, trying to figure out how to do the same things you used to do but without mom's income, and taking care of one or numerous little humans there should be some time left over. Really? REALLY? Such a premium is put on how much you can accomplish during the course of the day and social media means we can see how successful everyone else is at it compared to ourselves. And working moms don't have a minute to themselves and start their day at home after their work day, how can you do it all? You can't.

The holiday season is the prime time of year for burnout and lack of mindfulness for everyone, not just moms. The rushing around to get things "perfect" can make you crazy. But ever since motherhood became this all-consuming, all encompassing role of epic proportions, there seems to be no room for error. You have to NAIL IT or we get critical of ourselves. The perfect and clever family portrait on the ridiculously over-priced cards (Yes Tiny Prints, I am calling you out!), the Facebook photos of all the fabulous holiday activities like tree trimming, breakfast with Santa, caroling, and the whole checklist of things you should be doing can make you feel bad if you're not keeping up. This is the "keeping score" that wears on people and is not what this time of year is supposed to be all about. Eventually, all this pressure can start making people mean-spirited and jaded about the Christmas season. This makes me sad.

A lot of people out there are trying so hard to be snarky and clever to deflect this pressure. In the process, we are losing the real meaning of the season, which is to enjoy the family and friends around them and the fun you can have with all the Christmas traditions.

 In particular, people seem to be taking out their frustration on the Elf on the Shelf. This poor guy, he's just trying to give kids a little fun before the big day and to keep them behaving for mom and dad. But since the vignettes started popping up on social media of all the fun and exciting things that some crafty parents set up, the average parent who just moves him or her around the room now feel like they aren't trying hard enough. Now people want to strangle him. It's an ELF people. This is supposed to be FUN! WHAT HAPPENED TO MAKING THINGS FUN!?!? Even if you just phone it in and move the elf from the kitchen counter to the dining room table, the kids find it FUN and you will not be graded on how original your move is. Fun really is under appreciated. But to your kid, fun is everything.

 I think Christmas is a lot more fun when it's not perfect. The stories of the the tree toppling over, the photos of our little ones hysterically crying on Santa's lap, the newborn Pinterest fail portrait where the baby in the Christmas sleigh looks like a crime scene...that's the classic fun of Christmas. There's a whole book of Awkward Family Photos devoted to the holidays and there's a reason...it's funny and fun! I'm so happy to share the traditions of Christmas (which is what we celebrate, and I wish happy Chanukah and Kwanzaa to my friends who celebrate that and I will not genericize it with just the word "holiday") with my little boy. I want him to revel in the joy and wonder of the season and not stress and fret about everything being just so. I want this time of year to be about loving the people around us, celebrating that life is good, and also remembering to reach out to those that are having a tough time. There is enough time the rest of the year to search for perfection and to try to compare yourself.

I want to keep my Christmas purely fun from here on in. I did all my shopping online and am done with the commercial stuff. Even a sick kid can't derail things as I definitely just want to spend time with him, even if it's just rocking him in comfort. I want the next three weeks to be about enjoying each new festive thing my son does and remembering what it's like to be kid again. Our family is just going to do what works for us and not keep score of what everyone else is doing. I want to socialize, laugh, love, and be immersed in the spirit of things. The theme for my holiday this year is humor and finding the smiles that somehow have gotten lost in the shuffle. I'm going to be the nut job wearing the Santa hat, singing carols in the grocery store, and smiling like I am getting paid to do it. I am truly just going to enjoy things this year. I owe it to myself, my family.... and to the elf.